The word "Uber" is Uber lame!!!

This baby is Uber angry

Everywhere I look, I've been seeing the word Uber. I hear it on tv and on the radio. I read it in articles on the internet. "...their new record is Uber cool!" , "Stephen Hawking is Uber smart" , " his mushroom risotto is Uber rich". Now, if you've seen or heard the word and are not sure what it is, let me break it down for you. The word Uber is German. It literally means "above" or "over". When used in English, it means "super". "Uber cool" means "supercool" and so on. Usually, someone uses it to make themselves sound smart AND hip. Like, somehow using only English is so elementary as to be beneath their creative sensibilities that they are compelled to search Evil European linguistics for a suitable replacement, (I will always see Germany as evil). The thing is, it's not like they're using it in an "economy of words" strategy, the word "super" has only 1 freaking letter more and the exact same number of syllables. And the worst part of using it is that it is such a douche bag word! I almost can't think of anything in written word that is douchier, except maybe using French phrases, but even that is just gay, not really douchy. It is the written word equivalent of the "tramp stamp". Just like the drunk guy who spots the "tramp stamp" smiles as his skank alert system sounds loudly, my "Early DoucheBag Warning Alarm" blares the second I hear those 2 syllables leave your God Forsaken pie hole. It is a scientific fact, if you use the word "Uber", you are a douche bag. Proven in an government sponsored, MIT laboratory that cost the taxpayers 3.2 million but worth every penny in order to weed out the DBs.

Yes, I am complaining and if you're offended at all by this, chances are YOU are a douche bag. But I'm also here to help. I want to be a solutions/results based friend, your friendly neighborhood douche bag advisor. Who knows, this may turn into a series where I go into the various douche bag behaviors in an effort to break you of your douche baggery. I could be the mother fucking Oprah of DBs.  So with that in mind, let me give you one simple rule that could potentially change your life:


     1) NEVER USE THE WORD "UBER"


Let me make this Uber easy for you. Don't use the word Uber ever, in any context or you are Uber douchy and you will make everyone around you Uber irritated and you'll end up Uber lonely and never have an Uber hot girlfriend and end up Uber wanking till your boy parts are Uber painful! Really helpful rule of thumb, if you hear it used on Gossip Girl, don't use it. Also, if Hemmingway or Steinbeck, two American masters of the English language and economy of words, didn't use it, maybe you shouldn't either.

Congrats Douche Bags, you are on the path of actual coolness instead of Uber coolness!

Oh, by the way, quick tip: Also avoid using the phrase "Win-Win". Super lame(looking at you sales guys)

Deuces

Recipe for the Best Hot Wings Ever Created by Man or Woman!!!

What can I say about Hot Wings that hasn't already been shouted at a bar in a drunken haze? They're fucking great!? Of course they are. I could eat Hot Wings every fucking day?! Yeah well no shit drunk ass. Here's the thing; how does one get that spicy, vinegary, chicken wing taste at home? Lucky for you, I know the answer and I will share it with you....all of you. It requires no special cooking abilities, no special equipment and about the same number of brain cells as a properly sauced frat house. And, I fucking promise you, HAND TO GOD, on my not-yet-dead mother's grave that if you follow my recipe, you will be the goddamm reigning Baron of Buffalo (get it? as in Buffalo wings). You will impress every lousy friend and family member you have to the point of embarassment.

Okay, so the first time I had these wings I was at a friend's house and I swear to Jesus that I couldn't get up from the table for an hour on account of the massive erection they gave me, no lie. Now, I asked my buddy for the recipe and he says he can't give it to me. It's an ancient (20 years) recipe handed down from his father's peoples on their trek from northern New York to California Southern. After a nice slathering of whiskey, I finally got him to relent. He walks over to his desk and pulls out an index card, and it might have been the whiskey but I'm pretty sure it produced a golden glow. It was the recipe. I swiped it out of his hands, ran out to the car, and drove off in a hot sauce induced madness. Didn't even say bye. Next day, I went to the store, bought everything I needed and made my first batch. Holy Shit, just as good as the night before! Second day, go back to the store and buy more Hot Wing supplies. This time, I tweak a little cause I know my shit when it comes to the kitchen and what do you know? EVEN FUCKIN' BETTER! BOOYAH! I now was the proud owner of the World's Greatest Hot Wing recipe. Fuck the Egyptians, fuck the Aztecs and fuck the Romans! This is MY contribution to mankind. In the last couple of years, all my friends and family have asked for this recipe and my buddy even begged me to never give it out, but a funny thing happened. I realized one day that there is nothing I can do in this world to make a difference. I will not go to the Jersey Shore. I will not do something completely embarassing to end up on YouTube and I am too lazy to really accomplish anything of substance, but I do make one badass Hot Wing. You know how you see a movie after everyone gushes about how freakin' great and wonderful a film it is, then you see it and you think "Eh, it wasn't that good." But your friends killed it by going overboard with the compliments. There is no chance of that here. My recipe will destroy any chance of a hyperbole lashback. They are that good. So, all I ask is that you make them for people you love, or at least for people you don't hate and please please enjoy.

Luca Wings

For the wings:
1 pkg chicken wings, also called party wings, 12-15 ct
1/2 cup corn starch
2 tblsp seasoning salt
1 tsp garlic salt
5 cups any oil for frying, use what you like but I use regular old vegetable oil

For the sauce:
1 cup Red Rooster hot sauce, do not use Tabasco; if not Rooster, try Crystal or other Lousiana brand
4 tblsp REAL butter; no margarine
3 tblsp BBQ sauce, any sauce will do

First you heat up the oil. Use a 5 quart sauce pan and heat it up over medium high heat to 375 degrees. Next, you get a large Ziploc bag. Dump all the dry ingredients into the bag and mix thoroughly. Pat the chicken wings dry then put them into the bag with the seasoned corn starch. Zip the bag up and give it a good shake to coat the wings completely. Take the wings out and shake off any excess corn starch. Place on a plate and let them rest 5 minutes.

While the wings are resting, start the sauce. Using a small sauce pan, melt all the butter over the lowest heat. Once the butter is melted, pour in the hot sauce and bbq sauce. Whisk over low heat a couple of minutes until the sauce appears smooth and the butter is mixed well.

Now, cook the wings. Cook them in 2 batches, about 7 or 8 per batch. Here's the secret; we will cook each batch until it reaches a dark gold color, about 15 minutes. We want them very crispy so the sauce won't make them soggy and they retain their cruchy texture once you sauce them. Remove the wings from oil and place on a napkin/paper towel covered plate. Season at once with some more seasoning salt while they are still hot, otherwise the seasoning won't stick. Once all the wings are done, place in a large bowl and pour the warm wing sauce over. Mix with a large spoon to coat the wings. Serve on a platter with BLEU CHEESE. I guess you could use ranch dressing if you want but bleu cheese is the rightful dipping sauce. Serve them with celery?? Hell no! I fucking hate celery and I consider it an insult for someone to put raw celery on my plate, you might as well take a big steaming shit on my plate. But I do agree with putting something cool and crisp on the plate to help with the chile pains so I suggest cucumber spears or if you want to be adventurous, try Jicama. It's as awesome as celery is shitty. Anyways, good luck and drop me a note and let me know how it goes with being awesome now.

Kogi Food Truck?! EFFIN' A MAN!!!

Okay, so if you live in Southern California, or you are a self-proclaimed foodie or you have and/or have watched Food Network in the last 2 years, then you are aware of the new-found food craze known as gourmet food trucks. No longer do we call them "roach coach" and one of the first trucks to really make a splash is called Kogi. Kogi specializes in fusion food, combining the flavors of Korean BBQ and Mexican food. The owner and founder is this guy named Roy, I think, who is Korean but grew up in East Los Angeles. For those outside of SoCal, East Los Angeles is a thoroughly Mexican neighborhood filled with very traditional Mexican food venues. Now, if any of my info is wrong, blame Food Network' Guy Fieri and that Goddammed Wikipedia. On a side note relating to Guy Fieri; not entirely sure I can trust a man who wears his sunglasses on the back of his head... seems like he's trying really hard to watch his own back...hmmmm.


So for the last 18 months I've been hearing from my LA-based friend how incredible Kogi is and how I have to try it. Yeah, this is the same friend who told me how fantastic the remake of Karate Kid was and well, no thanks. I'll take old-ass Ralph Macchio any day over Will Smith's daughter. (side conversation: "What??? That was a freakin' boy?! Wow!")Anyways, even without the incessant ball washing that my friend was giving to the Kogi menu, it would have been impossible to watch Food Network over the last year without seeing multiple profiles on Kogi's refreshingly delicious food offerings. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I started to get the feeling that there was no conceivable way it could be nearly as good as everyone was saying. I was experiencing Kogi backlash, which is almost like Bieber Fever except not as gay. Well, a couple of weeks ago, my same LA buddy invited me to the Lakers game, with a planned stop at the Kogi food truck. We park at Staples Center and walk the 5 blocks over to Hope St. I know, I know, the irony wasn't lost on me, believe it brother. We walk up to the truck and already I'm feeling disappointment. I just know that this is gonna suck. I order the 3 taco deal, which is 3 tacos and a drink for $7. I ordered 2 Korean short rib tacos and one spicy pork. My friend also orders a Kimchee Quesadilla, which sounds really not great but what the hell, I'm going down in a blaze of Korean fire. I think by the time my friend got his change back into his pocket, they were handing us food. Okay, good service. We walk over to a small brick wall and I put my food down and take a good look. Allright, just looks like normal Mexican carne asada tacos. Then I get a noseful....mmmmmmm. Doesn't smell like any taco I've ever had, and I'm Mexican. I smell soy and tanginess from the Kimchee and the richness from the Korean BBQ. Then I bite into a taco and KAPOW! It tasted like one of those great old Kung Fu movies. If Bruce Lee were a taco, he'd be a Kogi taco. Dynamic, original, lots of flavorful punch and absolutely perfect. I could not believe that not only did the food live up to the hype, it utterly supassed, smashed and obliterated any preconceived notions I had. It was the best taco I have ever paid for. Due to sentimentality and cultural loyalties, they can never be better than tacos made in the backyard by my grandma, rest in peace abuela. But, they are the only one I will eagerly pay hard earned cash for. Thank you Kogi, thank you Roy.


Oh yeah, the Kimchee Quesadilla was also gangster...so freakin' badass. It was a quesadilla the way Cirque du Soleil is a circus. You're not sure what just happened, you just know it was awesome.


Viva El Kogi!

Stars-Your ex lover is dead. WOW!

This band is called Stars. Not "The" Stars, just Stars, and they rule like no one has ever ruled in the history of ruling or monarchies or whatever.The name of the song is "Your ex lover is dead". Not really sure what it's about cause I don't immediately listen to the words. My wife will ask "What's it about?" And usually I say "I don't know, it just sounds good". Everyone, this song just plain sounds good. I'm not even gonna say anything else other than, You're welcome. My gift to you world.




Yeah. Deuces

Great Job Anonymous!!

Hey, nice clown tattoo

So, I received a comment from a frustrated lady and I gotta say, "Thank You"! You made my day, you truly did. When I started this blog, I thought it'd be fun to do some writing and also get some good old-fashioned complainin' done, just like our grandfathers have done for so long. And yes, my complete and total "unfatuation" (see what I did there, I invented a kick-ass new word!) with Rachel Ray was the impetus to create this blog. Without her, there's no blog. Thing is, there are so many things about her I strongly dislike, I could write a novel, then I realized they did and called it MOBY DICK (rimshot! cheesy joke, sorry). Anyways, one of the unanticipated benefits of this blog, something I didn't even consider is the fact that I might get under the skin of her less than stellar fans...you know who you are. The following comment was the best of the worst and I thought I'd try being diplomatic and address some of her concerns. First, let's read:

Anonymous said...

Well, someone needs to get a life and quit focusing on other people's business. First of all, she is absolutely adorable and you are one of the "few" who must be so jealous or disturbed in the head by her that you might want to see a professional about this. Next, if you don't like her, don't watch her, listen to her or talk about her. Her life has nothing to do with yours, so get over it and move on. Calling her names won't help you either because as you put it "clown-face Ray" isn't bothered by you in the least. She's beautiful, wealthy, happy, successful, famous and no way intimidated by a loser like yourself. BTW, about the floodlight, hate, fury, stuttering (speakeasy.com might help), slobbering, frothing and everything - you might want to seek a doctor because if you don't the future might be very dim for you. Oh, I forgot - Rachel is going somewhere - forward without any threat from you at all.

Good stuff, right? I am writing this under the assumption that this is from a woman. Based on the fact that my reader used the term "absolutely adorable", it's either a woman, a gay man, or her dad. I figure I got a 33% chance it's a woman, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, let me apologize in advance to all the Rachel Ray fans but I will do my best to express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand; sorry, I gonna use lil' words n' stuff. First, you say to "get a life and quit focusing on other people's business". That's funny coming from someone who found the least read, most obscure blog on the internet and commented on it! Get it right lady, you found me. Next, you make the comment that could go down in the history of the written word as the "Stupidest Thing Ever Written" that she's adorable, too stupid to further comment on and then go on to say I'm one of the "few" people who dislike her, to paraphrase. Miss Onymous, or should I call you An, go to Google, type in the phrase "Rachel Ray sucks" and hit enter. I got 203,000 hits in .32 seconds! Imagine if Google had a full second!! Do the math lady, over 600,000 hits in a second...Wow. I think that makes your description of me as "few" more inaccurate than one of her recipes (she never measures, she just randomly throws everything in a bowl, with EVOO). Then, you go on to basically say if I don't like her, change the channel. Lady, I freakin' wish! I wish I could put it on Food Network, Cooking Channel, or any daytime show without seeing her stupid Joker face or hearing that ridiculous cackle. I wish I could check out at the grocery story without having her peering out at me from behind a Goddamm bushel of corn on her stupid magazine and I really wish I could surf the internet without being bombarded by ads for her ridiculously styled kitchen wares. Side note: sorta ironic how her kitchen line is Halloween orange when everyone says she looks just like a clown ready to go trick-or-treating. As a matter of fact, every time I see her, I have a strange impulse to stuff candy corn into her pillow case, go figure.Actually, with a body like hers, she might wanna lay off the sweets, I'm just saying. As for the rest of your comment, okay yes, she's a winner and I'm a loser. She's going forward and I'm not and, I even agree with you that clown-face Ray isn't bothered in the least by me. BUT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!  wwwhhhoooooooo hooooooooo....suck it Rachel Ray fans.

Thanks for writing and keep those comments coming.

Deuces

Rachel Ray Sucks!!!!!

Look at me, I'm a more gooder food maker.

So, this is not the actual blog but a warning. Rachel, the hate is coming. I have been trying to put my rage into words and, I gotta admit, it's tough. Right now, my hate is like a floodlight and I need to use my big boy words to focus it into a laser...an articulate, intelligent, concisely-worded laser of hate and fury. Problem is, ask any writer to put Love into words, to honestly and accurately describe what it is exactly. Won't happen. Shakespeare couldn't do it so how do I describe the exact same thing, but with Hate instead of Love. It's gonna be hard but I'm feel like I'm up to it. Every time I begin to write it in my head, I start stuttering and slobbering like a freakin madman, frothing at the mouth and everything. But I have a plan, so all I can say is be patient friends. My "Sistine Chapel", my "Romeo and Juliet" is coming. Besides, the rest of America seems so retardedly enamored of Clown-Face Ray that I feel she's entrenched deep enough, she ain't going nowhere.

Deuces

The Morning Benders is a rad band! Video Proof

Sometimes, I'll browse the music on iTunes and listen to recommended bands. I found this band called The Morning Benders and listened to my 30-second samples. I heard this song called Excuses and it instantly caught my ear. I looked them up on YouTube and found this video. In it, the singer Christopher Chu explains that he wanted to get a lot of talented people into one room to record one of his songs.This band is so good it makes my heart hurt. It hurts that I didn't write this song. The singer is this dorky, gangly, unRockstar and he's perfect. So simple and it could've sucked so bad but it was so great I wanted to cry. Quick note on this video: this might be the ugliest collection of people ever assembled since the 1985 Boston Celtics but the music they actually created was pure art. It's times like this I'm very proud to be human, knowing that my species is possible of work like this. So, hit play and bathe in the glory of other people's talent.





Deuces and You're Welcome