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| This baby is Uber angry |
Everywhere I look, I've been seeing the word Uber. I hear it on tv and on the radio. I read it in articles on the internet. "...their new record is Uber cool!" , "Stephen Hawking is Uber smart" , " his mushroom risotto is Uber rich". Now, if you've seen or heard the word and are not sure what it is, let me break it down for you. The word Uber is German. It literally means "above" or "over". When used in English, it means "super". "Uber cool" means "supercool" and so on. Usually, someone uses it to make themselves sound smart AND hip. Like, somehow using only English is so elementary as to be beneath their creative sensibilities that they are compelled to search Evil European linguistics for a suitable replacement, (I will always see Germany as evil). The thing is, it's not like they're using it in an "economy of words" strategy, the word "super" has only 1 freaking letter more and the exact same number of syllables. And the worst part of using it is that it is such a douche bag word! I almost can't think of anything in written word that is douchier, except maybe using French phrases, but even that is just gay, not really douchy. It is the written word equivalent of the "tramp stamp". Just like the drunk guy who spots the "tramp stamp" smiles as his skank alert system sounds loudly, my "Early DoucheBag Warning Alarm" blares the second I hear those 2 syllables leave your God Forsaken pie hole. It is a scientific fact, if you use the word "Uber", you are a douche bag. Proven in an government sponsored, MIT laboratory that cost the taxpayers 3.2 million but worth every penny in order to weed out the DBs.
Yes, I am complaining and if you're offended at all by this, chances are YOU are a douche bag. But I'm also here to help. I want to be a solutions/results based friend, your friendly neighborhood douche bag advisor. Who knows, this may turn into a series where I go into the various douche bag behaviors in an effort to break you of your douche baggery. I could be the mother fucking Oprah of DBs. So with that in mind, let me give you one simple rule that could potentially change your life:
1) NEVER USE THE WORD "UBER"
Let me make this Uber easy for you. Don't use the word Uber ever, in any context or you are Uber douchy and you will make everyone around you Uber irritated and you'll end up Uber lonely and never have an Uber hot girlfriend and end up Uber wanking till your boy parts are Uber painful! Really helpful rule of thumb, if you hear it used on Gossip Girl, don't use it. Also, if Hemmingway or Steinbeck, two American masters of the English language and economy of words, didn't use it, maybe you shouldn't either.
Congrats Douche Bags, you are on the path of actual coolness instead of Uber coolness!
Oh, by the way, quick tip: Also avoid using the phrase "Win-Win". Super lame(looking at you sales guys)
Deuces
