I HEART BACON

Okay, so I wanted to start to balance out the Hate Fest I've created here and throw a bone in Cupid's direction. So, assuming you're not a complete freakin' moron, which you're obviously not if you're entertained by my blogs, you've now put 2 and 2 together and mystically deduced from the title that I do in fact LOVE Bacon. I love Bacon so much that I strongly assert that it should be forever more capitalized in writing, much like the names of our founding fathers when writing a history paper; Washington, Jefferson, etc. Bacon is, in fact, my favorite food. I recently was talking to some friends and everyone was naming their favorite chefs; in a called-out fashion it went like this: "Flay", "No way, Batali", "Thomas Keller(French Laundry)", and then, I called out "Bacon!". You see why this was retarded? Everyone was naming their favorite, 15-minutes-of-fame celebrity chef that you can realistically now sample their menus and I called out Bacon like a caveman discovering fire for the first time. I think I may have even drooled when I said it. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not entirely sure I can say the word Bacon WITHOUT drooling. Maybe that's the reason I always order BLTs, I can get Bacon without showering the waitress (Get it? If I order a BLT, I get the Bacon without saying the word Bacon, thus no drool bath for my server!). Now that I'm thinking about it, I effin hate tomatoes but I'll gladly eat them as long as they're sleeping beneath a beautiful blanket of Bacon. Walk into a room full of 13-year old boys and shout out "Boobies" or "Ballsack" and watch them; they all start giggling and fidgeting. That's exactly my reaction when someone tells me that there's Bacon in something I'm about to eat.

I even have a short story to further illustrate my point. I recently was vacationing in Southeast Asia, doing a tour of Laos and Cambodia. My Laotian travel partner took me to a family dinner where unbeknownst to me, insect larvae was considered a delicacy. Holy Crap, right?! Here's how it went:

     Me: You want me to eat what???

     Travel buddy: It's insect larvae...a delicacy in this village

     Me: I will punch you in the face....

     Travel buddy: It's an insult to our hosts, please...

     Me: Screw you, I'm not eating a goddam bug wrapped in... what is that anyways?

     Travel buddy: It's Bacon....

     Me: Well..... I don't want to be rude ;-)

Hells yeah, I ate every bug in that god forsaken village if it was wrapped in Bacon! And now, I know that about myself. I will eat ANYTHING if it is wrapped, stuffed, sprinkled with, cooked on, flavored with, or covered with Bacon. On that note, I feel it's long overdue that we pay proper tribute to the amazing animal from which it comes, the Pig.


I am the most delicious animal ever!

Remember that movie Weird Science, probably the best of the 80's teen movies? There was a scene where the two young teens are in their room designing the perfect woman. They pick the best legs, best ass, best boobs, best mouth, best eyes and best hair. Their dream woman was a composite of all the hottest girls of the time in one wonderful package. You see where I'm going with this? That's a Pig!! It's like God let a group of drunk dads design their ideal creature. The common Pig has no relevance whatsoever in the animal world except to fulfill my wildest culinary fantasies. Everything on a Pig tastes freakin great. Pork chops, sausage, Bacon, roast ham, pork butt, pork shoulder, chorizo and even chitlins(intestines). Even the skin tastes awesome!! At this point, I'm not sure the poop chute wouldn't taste ridiculously savory and the balls are so close to the Bacon, I might be convinced to have a lick after only like 1 beer. If I had to choose one person to be stuck on a desert island with, I'd pick that cute little pig from the movie Babe; after the novelty of his talking wore off I would roast him over a fire and baste him in coconut milk.And,if all that is not enough proof of just how much pork and more specifically Bacon rules, we humans have even renamed sex, the greatest physical act known to man, "Porking". Boo-yah! So, Pig, my dearest most delicious friend, I salute you with the boner I get every time I bite into one of your 332 succulent body parts, POW!!!!

I'll leave you with this small warning: no matter how much you love Bacon, the State of California will NOT allow you to enter into marital bliss with Bacon and your wife may not be very supportive of the union either. But it's cool, we'll see what Canada has to say on the matter.

Deuces



My Canadian Honeymoon bitches!



Jim Rome Sucks

Okay, so in order to explain my hate, I have to admit a guilty pleasure. I love sports talk radio. I listen to it throughout the day and as anyone who spends a considerable part of their day driving (salespeople) can attest, it helps maintain sanity to hear people talking. Combine that with the fact that I do in fact love sports and Boom! I love sports talk radio. Now, the undisputed king of the sports talk is Jim Rome. He is a great host when he talks about sports. His opinions are always original, funny, well thought out and almost always accurate. I started listening to him a long time ago and it was always time well spent. I felt smarter and funnier for having listened to him. The Jim Rome Show has changed though. It used to feel like a bunch of guys sitting around talking smack. The Jim Rome Show, or "The Jungle", as they like to call it, does a great job of not just broadcasting a show, they've completely created a parallel culture, complete with their own language, jokes, style, culinary tastes (Jim loves Sapphire gin and Javier's) and population. His fans actually refer to themselves as "clones" and I kid you not when I say that this is not a cute nickname, they literally love what Jim loves, eat what he eats, go where he goes. Jim Rome has become the male equivalent of Oprah!!! If Jim had a book club, Amazon would have bare shelves. Back in the day, Jim's show was centered around sports. Great opinions, great interviews, great fan interaction. Now, it' s all about who can recall the most obscure "jungle moments" and weave that into a listener phone call or email. His "clones" also have their own language. His website actually has a glossary just so you can understand what the hell anyone is talking about. Hey James, I thought your show was in English. There is so much jargon and slang on his show, swear to God it sounds like Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High won some weird "dream job" contest. Romie actually calls his hair "lettuce", his phone call are called "vines", his opinions are "takes", and newspapers are "fish wraps". And that is just a drop in the bucket. Here's what a typical phone call might sound like:
       

         Rome: And now we go to Kenny in C-town (Cleveland, just take the first letter of your home-

                    town and add "town" to it) Sup Kenny?

          Kenny: Van Smaaaaaccckkkk (old nickname for Jim Rome) Thanks for the vine (taking my call).

                       Hey Romie, the lettuce (haircut) looks fresh,I saw you the other night with Janet (wife) at

                      Javier's (favorite restaurant) sipping on the Bombay Sapphire (favorite gin)...Nice!

                      Anyways, let me get to my take (opinion) before I get run (hung up on for poor

                      quality phone call) faster than Buzzy in NoCal (obscure clone reference)...I just want to

                      tell C-Town to chill, just because ManRam (Manny Ramirez) is coming back with the

                      White Sox is no reason to burn your tickets....ManRoids (ManRam variation) is going to

                      strike out faster than Willy in KC (obscure clone reference) did when he took his mom to

                      his senior prom...that's all I got....WAR (way for clones to give support to) bums using

                      aluminum cans as cell phones ("bum smack" is a perrenial favorite, even though it's

                      completely off topic)....I'm out Jim

         Jim Rome: Rack him (that means Jim puts this call into contention for the "Huge Call of the

                             Day")....Nice work Kenny...ManRoids....Classic

So that's what a call usually sounds like. Can you even imagine trying to listen to that the first time you put it on the Jungle?! Crazy right?? So even with all this, I still managed to find large segments of his show that were still enjoyable. Jim hates soccer, always has. I personally love soccer and always hated it when he talked crap about it but I still managed to get past that. What was the turning point for me? For years, Jim talked smack about horseracing. He used to say "it's just a bet" and would never give it credence as an actual sport. And now?!?! Well, Jimmy Crack Corn now OWNS a horse so of course the "jungle" is filled to capacity with guys who wait for hours on hold just so they get a chance to get on the air to kiss his smug, flip flopping ASS. "Hey Romie, I cruised out to Loser Downs this weekend to watch your 2-year old philly Boner in Sweat Pants crush the field in the about the 8th most important race at 3 in the morning but it's worth it cause you're my hero and I like what you like and I also don't know what I like so I'm gonna get off the phone and listen so you can tell me what else I should like" or something like that. So, with all that being said, I still hold out hope that his show can be flipped, just like his opinions on NASCAR or stupid horserunning and in that spirit, I now offer some guidlines:

• Stop talking about your GODDAMM horses! Remember when you yourself used to say horseracing was NOT a sport, it's a bet and it's for degenerates?? Well, nothing's changed. Horseracing is still NOT a sport and horses are NOT athletes! Just because they run fast doesn't make them elite athletes...squirrels in the park are fast too but no one tries to add them to ESPN's list of Athletes of the Century!!! Besides, horserunning is NASCAR for the Amish, nothing more. Jim, your long segments pertaining to your own personal sports affiliations bear a striking resemblance to the same stupid kid stories that got Kathy Lee Gifford fired from the Regis show! I swear that I expect any day to be updated on your kid's batting stats and ERA from his Little League games. "And speaking of A-Rod and the Bronx Bombers, my boy Jake is so dope...he went 2-for-3 and struck out 5 as he pitched his B-Hole Park Bombers to their 3rd win......". Here's the thing Jim, I really don't care about you personally. I just want to hear your opinions on real sports. No yacht racing, no poker, no NASCAR, no chess, no weight lifting. Basically, If I can't go to Big 5 to gear up, it's not a sport...period.
• You are not cool, you just know sports! You recently told a story. You said you were waiting for your car to be brought up to you at a restaurant or something. When it came, there was another guy standing there who noticed your ride (we can assume it's really nice) and asked "What that set you back?" You said you looked at him, then just turned and walked away. Really? Are you freakin kidding me?? How big of an A-hole are you?? The thing is, you sounded so effin smug when you told the story it made me wanna punch you in the goddamm face. Okay Jim, here's the lesson. One guy saying that to another is just his way of saying "Nice car" without sounding like a bitch. How do you not know that? Please remember Jim, unless you actually WERE a professional athlete, you are still just a jounalist and being the coolest journalist is like being the coolest dude on the high school chess team. KNOW YOUR ROLE BITCH. You're no better than anyone else, except your clones. You are better than all of them, we all are.
• For God's sake man, speak effin English! I use slang, we all do but I should not need a translator to listen to your stupid show! You sound like one of those guys that went to college in Southern California, joined one of those gay-ass fraternities, got a job at a bank or a radio station then when he gets back together with his "bros", they listen to Snoop Dogg and get drunk on Rolling Rock beers. When I listen to sports radio, I want it to sound like I'm listening to someone MORE articulate than me, not more stoned-surfer. It's supposed to be sports "news", not a comedy club and although it is sorta funny when I hear a slang word I hadn't heard before like calling marijuana "Hippy Lettuce", it really has nothing to do with sports, ultimately. So just stop.
• Stop trying to sell me stuff! Just because I listen to your show doesn't mean I want to be you. I don't want to do P90x, I don't want to drink a 5 Hour Energy drink and I absolutely do not want to use MyPC.Com. You're the sellout, not me.

Get your shit together Rome. You could be the best sports journalist, stop worrying about being the coolest and stop being such an A-Hole.

Deuces

My show is #1 but reeks of #2

Justin Bieber sucks so Eff him!!!!!

I hate Justin Bieber. I know that everyone over 16 does and so that makes this extremely unoriginal but I started this blog to express my hatred for things or people that inspire so much anger and hate that it surpasses a reasonable level of irritation and develops into a full-blown ire. Thus, I cathartically (is that a real word?) proclaim that I hate Justin Bieber. He sounds just like a girl, actually kinda looks like a girl, he has that annoying head twitch meant to move his hair back into place, always tries to act like he's a pimp and from what I've heard in a couple of entertainment news reports, the kid's a total D-Bag! (douchebag). Funny aside; you can tell I have small kids cause I always try to abbreviate my profanity, ie: Eff=Fuck, D-bag,     A-hole, etc. and a lot of times it's actually funnier to tell someone "Eff you" or "I hate that effin justin bieber!" than to say the whole word. Anyways, Bieber sucks, his music sucks, and he looks just like one of those small horses that aren't really ponies but genetically bred to be small except those horses actually are awesome and Bieber sucks. Bieber sucks, I rule.

Deuces

Horseface Jones