Stars-Your ex lover is dead. WOW!

This band is called Stars. Not "The" Stars, just Stars, and they rule like no one has ever ruled in the history of ruling or monarchies or whatever.The name of the song is "Your ex lover is dead". Not really sure what it's about cause I don't immediately listen to the words. My wife will ask "What's it about?" And usually I say "I don't know, it just sounds good". Everyone, this song just plain sounds good. I'm not even gonna say anything else other than, You're welcome. My gift to you world.




Yeah. Deuces

Great Job Anonymous!!

Hey, nice clown tattoo

So, I received a comment from a frustrated lady and I gotta say, "Thank You"! You made my day, you truly did. When I started this blog, I thought it'd be fun to do some writing and also get some good old-fashioned complainin' done, just like our grandfathers have done for so long. And yes, my complete and total "unfatuation" (see what I did there, I invented a kick-ass new word!) with Rachel Ray was the impetus to create this blog. Without her, there's no blog. Thing is, there are so many things about her I strongly dislike, I could write a novel, then I realized they did and called it MOBY DICK (rimshot! cheesy joke, sorry). Anyways, one of the unanticipated benefits of this blog, something I didn't even consider is the fact that I might get under the skin of her less than stellar fans...you know who you are. The following comment was the best of the worst and I thought I'd try being diplomatic and address some of her concerns. First, let's read:

Anonymous said...

Well, someone needs to get a life and quit focusing on other people's business. First of all, she is absolutely adorable and you are one of the "few" who must be so jealous or disturbed in the head by her that you might want to see a professional about this. Next, if you don't like her, don't watch her, listen to her or talk about her. Her life has nothing to do with yours, so get over it and move on. Calling her names won't help you either because as you put it "clown-face Ray" isn't bothered by you in the least. She's beautiful, wealthy, happy, successful, famous and no way intimidated by a loser like yourself. BTW, about the floodlight, hate, fury, stuttering (speakeasy.com might help), slobbering, frothing and everything - you might want to seek a doctor because if you don't the future might be very dim for you. Oh, I forgot - Rachel is going somewhere - forward without any threat from you at all.

Good stuff, right? I am writing this under the assumption that this is from a woman. Based on the fact that my reader used the term "absolutely adorable", it's either a woman, a gay man, or her dad. I figure I got a 33% chance it's a woman, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, let me apologize in advance to all the Rachel Ray fans but I will do my best to express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand; sorry, I gonna use lil' words n' stuff. First, you say to "get a life and quit focusing on other people's business". That's funny coming from someone who found the least read, most obscure blog on the internet and commented on it! Get it right lady, you found me. Next, you make the comment that could go down in the history of the written word as the "Stupidest Thing Ever Written" that she's adorable, too stupid to further comment on and then go on to say I'm one of the "few" people who dislike her, to paraphrase. Miss Onymous, or should I call you An, go to Google, type in the phrase "Rachel Ray sucks" and hit enter. I got 203,000 hits in .32 seconds! Imagine if Google had a full second!! Do the math lady, over 600,000 hits in a second...Wow. I think that makes your description of me as "few" more inaccurate than one of her recipes (she never measures, she just randomly throws everything in a bowl, with EVOO). Then, you go on to basically say if I don't like her, change the channel. Lady, I freakin' wish! I wish I could put it on Food Network, Cooking Channel, or any daytime show without seeing her stupid Joker face or hearing that ridiculous cackle. I wish I could check out at the grocery story without having her peering out at me from behind a Goddamm bushel of corn on her stupid magazine and I really wish I could surf the internet without being bombarded by ads for her ridiculously styled kitchen wares. Side note: sorta ironic how her kitchen line is Halloween orange when everyone says she looks just like a clown ready to go trick-or-treating. As a matter of fact, every time I see her, I have a strange impulse to stuff candy corn into her pillow case, go figure.Actually, with a body like hers, she might wanna lay off the sweets, I'm just saying. As for the rest of your comment, okay yes, she's a winner and I'm a loser. She's going forward and I'm not and, I even agree with you that clown-face Ray isn't bothered in the least by me. BUT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!  wwwhhhoooooooo hooooooooo....suck it Rachel Ray fans.

Thanks for writing and keep those comments coming.

Deuces

Rachel Ray Sucks!!!!!

Look at me, I'm a more gooder food maker.

So, this is not the actual blog but a warning. Rachel, the hate is coming. I have been trying to put my rage into words and, I gotta admit, it's tough. Right now, my hate is like a floodlight and I need to use my big boy words to focus it into a laser...an articulate, intelligent, concisely-worded laser of hate and fury. Problem is, ask any writer to put Love into words, to honestly and accurately describe what it is exactly. Won't happen. Shakespeare couldn't do it so how do I describe the exact same thing, but with Hate instead of Love. It's gonna be hard but I'm feel like I'm up to it. Every time I begin to write it in my head, I start stuttering and slobbering like a freakin madman, frothing at the mouth and everything. But I have a plan, so all I can say is be patient friends. My "Sistine Chapel", my "Romeo and Juliet" is coming. Besides, the rest of America seems so retardedly enamored of Clown-Face Ray that I feel she's entrenched deep enough, she ain't going nowhere.

Deuces

The Morning Benders is a rad band! Video Proof

Sometimes, I'll browse the music on iTunes and listen to recommended bands. I found this band called The Morning Benders and listened to my 30-second samples. I heard this song called Excuses and it instantly caught my ear. I looked them up on YouTube and found this video. In it, the singer Christopher Chu explains that he wanted to get a lot of talented people into one room to record one of his songs.This band is so good it makes my heart hurt. It hurts that I didn't write this song. The singer is this dorky, gangly, unRockstar and he's perfect. So simple and it could've sucked so bad but it was so great I wanted to cry. Quick note on this video: this might be the ugliest collection of people ever assembled since the 1985 Boston Celtics but the music they actually created was pure art. It's times like this I'm very proud to be human, knowing that my species is possible of work like this. So, hit play and bathe in the glory of other people's talent.





Deuces and You're Welcome

I HEART BACON

Okay, so I wanted to start to balance out the Hate Fest I've created here and throw a bone in Cupid's direction. So, assuming you're not a complete freakin' moron, which you're obviously not if you're entertained by my blogs, you've now put 2 and 2 together and mystically deduced from the title that I do in fact LOVE Bacon. I love Bacon so much that I strongly assert that it should be forever more capitalized in writing, much like the names of our founding fathers when writing a history paper; Washington, Jefferson, etc. Bacon is, in fact, my favorite food. I recently was talking to some friends and everyone was naming their favorite chefs; in a called-out fashion it went like this: "Flay", "No way, Batali", "Thomas Keller(French Laundry)", and then, I called out "Bacon!". You see why this was retarded? Everyone was naming their favorite, 15-minutes-of-fame celebrity chef that you can realistically now sample their menus and I called out Bacon like a caveman discovering fire for the first time. I think I may have even drooled when I said it. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not entirely sure I can say the word Bacon WITHOUT drooling. Maybe that's the reason I always order BLTs, I can get Bacon without showering the waitress (Get it? If I order a BLT, I get the Bacon without saying the word Bacon, thus no drool bath for my server!). Now that I'm thinking about it, I effin hate tomatoes but I'll gladly eat them as long as they're sleeping beneath a beautiful blanket of Bacon. Walk into a room full of 13-year old boys and shout out "Boobies" or "Ballsack" and watch them; they all start giggling and fidgeting. That's exactly my reaction when someone tells me that there's Bacon in something I'm about to eat.

I even have a short story to further illustrate my point. I recently was vacationing in Southeast Asia, doing a tour of Laos and Cambodia. My Laotian travel partner took me to a family dinner where unbeknownst to me, insect larvae was considered a delicacy. Holy Crap, right?! Here's how it went:

     Me: You want me to eat what???

     Travel buddy: It's insect larvae...a delicacy in this village

     Me: I will punch you in the face....

     Travel buddy: It's an insult to our hosts, please...

     Me: Screw you, I'm not eating a goddam bug wrapped in... what is that anyways?

     Travel buddy: It's Bacon....

     Me: Well..... I don't want to be rude ;-)

Hells yeah, I ate every bug in that god forsaken village if it was wrapped in Bacon! And now, I know that about myself. I will eat ANYTHING if it is wrapped, stuffed, sprinkled with, cooked on, flavored with, or covered with Bacon. On that note, I feel it's long overdue that we pay proper tribute to the amazing animal from which it comes, the Pig.


I am the most delicious animal ever!

Remember that movie Weird Science, probably the best of the 80's teen movies? There was a scene where the two young teens are in their room designing the perfect woman. They pick the best legs, best ass, best boobs, best mouth, best eyes and best hair. Their dream woman was a composite of all the hottest girls of the time in one wonderful package. You see where I'm going with this? That's a Pig!! It's like God let a group of drunk dads design their ideal creature. The common Pig has no relevance whatsoever in the animal world except to fulfill my wildest culinary fantasies. Everything on a Pig tastes freakin great. Pork chops, sausage, Bacon, roast ham, pork butt, pork shoulder, chorizo and even chitlins(intestines). Even the skin tastes awesome!! At this point, I'm not sure the poop chute wouldn't taste ridiculously savory and the balls are so close to the Bacon, I might be convinced to have a lick after only like 1 beer. If I had to choose one person to be stuck on a desert island with, I'd pick that cute little pig from the movie Babe; after the novelty of his talking wore off I would roast him over a fire and baste him in coconut milk.And,if all that is not enough proof of just how much pork and more specifically Bacon rules, we humans have even renamed sex, the greatest physical act known to man, "Porking". Boo-yah! So, Pig, my dearest most delicious friend, I salute you with the boner I get every time I bite into one of your 332 succulent body parts, POW!!!!

I'll leave you with this small warning: no matter how much you love Bacon, the State of California will NOT allow you to enter into marital bliss with Bacon and your wife may not be very supportive of the union either. But it's cool, we'll see what Canada has to say on the matter.

Deuces



My Canadian Honeymoon bitches!



Jim Rome Sucks

Okay, so in order to explain my hate, I have to admit a guilty pleasure. I love sports talk radio. I listen to it throughout the day and as anyone who spends a considerable part of their day driving (salespeople) can attest, it helps maintain sanity to hear people talking. Combine that with the fact that I do in fact love sports and Boom! I love sports talk radio. Now, the undisputed king of the sports talk is Jim Rome. He is a great host when he talks about sports. His opinions are always original, funny, well thought out and almost always accurate. I started listening to him a long time ago and it was always time well spent. I felt smarter and funnier for having listened to him. The Jim Rome Show has changed though. It used to feel like a bunch of guys sitting around talking smack. The Jim Rome Show, or "The Jungle", as they like to call it, does a great job of not just broadcasting a show, they've completely created a parallel culture, complete with their own language, jokes, style, culinary tastes (Jim loves Sapphire gin and Javier's) and population. His fans actually refer to themselves as "clones" and I kid you not when I say that this is not a cute nickname, they literally love what Jim loves, eat what he eats, go where he goes. Jim Rome has become the male equivalent of Oprah!!! If Jim had a book club, Amazon would have bare shelves. Back in the day, Jim's show was centered around sports. Great opinions, great interviews, great fan interaction. Now, it' s all about who can recall the most obscure "jungle moments" and weave that into a listener phone call or email. His "clones" also have their own language. His website actually has a glossary just so you can understand what the hell anyone is talking about. Hey James, I thought your show was in English. There is so much jargon and slang on his show, swear to God it sounds like Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High won some weird "dream job" contest. Romie actually calls his hair "lettuce", his phone call are called "vines", his opinions are "takes", and newspapers are "fish wraps". And that is just a drop in the bucket. Here's what a typical phone call might sound like:
       

         Rome: And now we go to Kenny in C-town (Cleveland, just take the first letter of your home-

                    town and add "town" to it) Sup Kenny?

          Kenny: Van Smaaaaaccckkkk (old nickname for Jim Rome) Thanks for the vine (taking my call).

                       Hey Romie, the lettuce (haircut) looks fresh,I saw you the other night with Janet (wife) at

                      Javier's (favorite restaurant) sipping on the Bombay Sapphire (favorite gin)...Nice!

                      Anyways, let me get to my take (opinion) before I get run (hung up on for poor

                      quality phone call) faster than Buzzy in NoCal (obscure clone reference)...I just want to

                      tell C-Town to chill, just because ManRam (Manny Ramirez) is coming back with the

                      White Sox is no reason to burn your tickets....ManRoids (ManRam variation) is going to

                      strike out faster than Willy in KC (obscure clone reference) did when he took his mom to

                      his senior prom...that's all I got....WAR (way for clones to give support to) bums using

                      aluminum cans as cell phones ("bum smack" is a perrenial favorite, even though it's

                      completely off topic)....I'm out Jim

         Jim Rome: Rack him (that means Jim puts this call into contention for the "Huge Call of the

                             Day")....Nice work Kenny...ManRoids....Classic

So that's what a call usually sounds like. Can you even imagine trying to listen to that the first time you put it on the Jungle?! Crazy right?? So even with all this, I still managed to find large segments of his show that were still enjoyable. Jim hates soccer, always has. I personally love soccer and always hated it when he talked crap about it but I still managed to get past that. What was the turning point for me? For years, Jim talked smack about horseracing. He used to say "it's just a bet" and would never give it credence as an actual sport. And now?!?! Well, Jimmy Crack Corn now OWNS a horse so of course the "jungle" is filled to capacity with guys who wait for hours on hold just so they get a chance to get on the air to kiss his smug, flip flopping ASS. "Hey Romie, I cruised out to Loser Downs this weekend to watch your 2-year old philly Boner in Sweat Pants crush the field in the about the 8th most important race at 3 in the morning but it's worth it cause you're my hero and I like what you like and I also don't know what I like so I'm gonna get off the phone and listen so you can tell me what else I should like" or something like that. So, with all that being said, I still hold out hope that his show can be flipped, just like his opinions on NASCAR or stupid horserunning and in that spirit, I now offer some guidlines:

• Stop talking about your GODDAMM horses! Remember when you yourself used to say horseracing was NOT a sport, it's a bet and it's for degenerates?? Well, nothing's changed. Horseracing is still NOT a sport and horses are NOT athletes! Just because they run fast doesn't make them elite athletes...squirrels in the park are fast too but no one tries to add them to ESPN's list of Athletes of the Century!!! Besides, horserunning is NASCAR for the Amish, nothing more. Jim, your long segments pertaining to your own personal sports affiliations bear a striking resemblance to the same stupid kid stories that got Kathy Lee Gifford fired from the Regis show! I swear that I expect any day to be updated on your kid's batting stats and ERA from his Little League games. "And speaking of A-Rod and the Bronx Bombers, my boy Jake is so dope...he went 2-for-3 and struck out 5 as he pitched his B-Hole Park Bombers to their 3rd win......". Here's the thing Jim, I really don't care about you personally. I just want to hear your opinions on real sports. No yacht racing, no poker, no NASCAR, no chess, no weight lifting. Basically, If I can't go to Big 5 to gear up, it's not a sport...period.
• You are not cool, you just know sports! You recently told a story. You said you were waiting for your car to be brought up to you at a restaurant or something. When it came, there was another guy standing there who noticed your ride (we can assume it's really nice) and asked "What that set you back?" You said you looked at him, then just turned and walked away. Really? Are you freakin kidding me?? How big of an A-hole are you?? The thing is, you sounded so effin smug when you told the story it made me wanna punch you in the goddamm face. Okay Jim, here's the lesson. One guy saying that to another is just his way of saying "Nice car" without sounding like a bitch. How do you not know that? Please remember Jim, unless you actually WERE a professional athlete, you are still just a jounalist and being the coolest journalist is like being the coolest dude on the high school chess team. KNOW YOUR ROLE BITCH. You're no better than anyone else, except your clones. You are better than all of them, we all are.
• For God's sake man, speak effin English! I use slang, we all do but I should not need a translator to listen to your stupid show! You sound like one of those guys that went to college in Southern California, joined one of those gay-ass fraternities, got a job at a bank or a radio station then when he gets back together with his "bros", they listen to Snoop Dogg and get drunk on Rolling Rock beers. When I listen to sports radio, I want it to sound like I'm listening to someone MORE articulate than me, not more stoned-surfer. It's supposed to be sports "news", not a comedy club and although it is sorta funny when I hear a slang word I hadn't heard before like calling marijuana "Hippy Lettuce", it really has nothing to do with sports, ultimately. So just stop.
• Stop trying to sell me stuff! Just because I listen to your show doesn't mean I want to be you. I don't want to do P90x, I don't want to drink a 5 Hour Energy drink and I absolutely do not want to use MyPC.Com. You're the sellout, not me.

Get your shit together Rome. You could be the best sports journalist, stop worrying about being the coolest and stop being such an A-Hole.

Deuces

My show is #1 but reeks of #2

Justin Bieber sucks so Eff him!!!!!

I hate Justin Bieber. I know that everyone over 16 does and so that makes this extremely unoriginal but I started this blog to express my hatred for things or people that inspire so much anger and hate that it surpasses a reasonable level of irritation and develops into a full-blown ire. Thus, I cathartically (is that a real word?) proclaim that I hate Justin Bieber. He sounds just like a girl, actually kinda looks like a girl, he has that annoying head twitch meant to move his hair back into place, always tries to act like he's a pimp and from what I've heard in a couple of entertainment news reports, the kid's a total D-Bag! (douchebag). Funny aside; you can tell I have small kids cause I always try to abbreviate my profanity, ie: Eff=Fuck, D-bag,     A-hole, etc. and a lot of times it's actually funnier to tell someone "Eff you" or "I hate that effin justin bieber!" than to say the whole word. Anyways, Bieber sucks, his music sucks, and he looks just like one of those small horses that aren't really ponies but genetically bred to be small except those horses actually are awesome and Bieber sucks. Bieber sucks, I rule.

Deuces

Horseface Jones

Kelly Ripa is Gross!!!!

I was just eating my Grape Nuts and accidentally watching Live with Kelly & Regis and I just about vomited all over myself. Why?? What did I see that made my mouth start that pre-hurl watering?? Kelly Ripa has beef jerkey arms!!  What the Eff is going on? She has those skinny, muscular arms that look like she's doing about 4000 push ups a day in jail. They look just like Madonna's arms. So, not only does she have beef jerkey arms, she showcases them, proudly. I asked my wife if she goes sans sleeves every day and wifey confirmed that, yes, Mrs. Ripa wears fewer sleeves than a Nascar convention. Watch the show. Watch how she constantly maintains certain postures that allow for maximum flexing. Keep an eye on her wild gesticulations and count how many of them involve holding her arms up so she can flex. She loves those guns! I thought my 14 year old son was bad but he's got nothing on the Ripper. She subjects her audience to more gun shows than the entire state of Montana. All she needs is a sleeveless denim jacket, a thin mustache and a 72' Camaro to complete the ensemble. Thanks a lot Kelly, I used to absolutely love beef jerkey. At one point I even bought a dehydrator to make my own. Beef jerkey used to be a staple in our home. Shopping list=milk, eggs, JERKEY. Now I'll never be able to put a piece of that salty spicy goodness in my mouth without thinking of cheesy morning tv.

What the EFF!?!?

Deuces

Check out those pipes man! EEWWW

Welcome

Welcome friends, fellow haters and all others. This blog was created because I tend to go off on rants. My wife says I'm driving her crazy, so, for the well-being of my marriage, I'll expound volumes of hate and rationings of love all over this bitch (the internet; not sure the gender but everyone seems to think everything not human is female; boats, cars, et al.). Now, for clarification, I don't really hate Rachel Ray. I don't even know her but I do hate her on-screen persona. This is something I have been saving for a really really long time but it's a perfect example of the type of subject I'll be hating on, vigarously. I also love things and will from time to time share that, because I believe in that circular Chinese half and half symbol thingy. I ask you to participate by sharing your hates and loves; I'll act as a Commissioner of Taste and either give love or hate to your submission.

I feel a hate rant coming on very soon...

Deuces