I HEART BACON

Okay, so I wanted to start to balance out the Hate Fest I've created here and throw a bone in Cupid's direction. So, assuming you're not a complete freakin' moron, which you're obviously not if you're entertained by my blogs, you've now put 2 and 2 together and mystically deduced from the title that I do in fact LOVE Bacon. I love Bacon so much that I strongly assert that it should be forever more capitalized in writing, much like the names of our founding fathers when writing a history paper; Washington, Jefferson, etc. Bacon is, in fact, my favorite food. I recently was talking to some friends and everyone was naming their favorite chefs; in a called-out fashion it went like this: "Flay", "No way, Batali", "Thomas Keller(French Laundry)", and then, I called out "Bacon!". You see why this was retarded? Everyone was naming their favorite, 15-minutes-of-fame celebrity chef that you can realistically now sample their menus and I called out Bacon like a caveman discovering fire for the first time. I think I may have even drooled when I said it. If I'm being completely honest, I'm not entirely sure I can say the word Bacon WITHOUT drooling. Maybe that's the reason I always order BLTs, I can get Bacon without showering the waitress (Get it? If I order a BLT, I get the Bacon without saying the word Bacon, thus no drool bath for my server!). Now that I'm thinking about it, I effin hate tomatoes but I'll gladly eat them as long as they're sleeping beneath a beautiful blanket of Bacon. Walk into a room full of 13-year old boys and shout out "Boobies" or "Ballsack" and watch them; they all start giggling and fidgeting. That's exactly my reaction when someone tells me that there's Bacon in something I'm about to eat.

I even have a short story to further illustrate my point. I recently was vacationing in Southeast Asia, doing a tour of Laos and Cambodia. My Laotian travel partner took me to a family dinner where unbeknownst to me, insect larvae was considered a delicacy. Holy Crap, right?! Here's how it went:

     Me: You want me to eat what???

     Travel buddy: It's insect larvae...a delicacy in this village

     Me: I will punch you in the face....

     Travel buddy: It's an insult to our hosts, please...

     Me: Screw you, I'm not eating a goddam bug wrapped in... what is that anyways?

     Travel buddy: It's Bacon....

     Me: Well..... I don't want to be rude ;-)

Hells yeah, I ate every bug in that god forsaken village if it was wrapped in Bacon! And now, I know that about myself. I will eat ANYTHING if it is wrapped, stuffed, sprinkled with, cooked on, flavored with, or covered with Bacon. On that note, I feel it's long overdue that we pay proper tribute to the amazing animal from which it comes, the Pig.


I am the most delicious animal ever!

Remember that movie Weird Science, probably the best of the 80's teen movies? There was a scene where the two young teens are in their room designing the perfect woman. They pick the best legs, best ass, best boobs, best mouth, best eyes and best hair. Their dream woman was a composite of all the hottest girls of the time in one wonderful package. You see where I'm going with this? That's a Pig!! It's like God let a group of drunk dads design their ideal creature. The common Pig has no relevance whatsoever in the animal world except to fulfill my wildest culinary fantasies. Everything on a Pig tastes freakin great. Pork chops, sausage, Bacon, roast ham, pork butt, pork shoulder, chorizo and even chitlins(intestines). Even the skin tastes awesome!! At this point, I'm not sure the poop chute wouldn't taste ridiculously savory and the balls are so close to the Bacon, I might be convinced to have a lick after only like 1 beer. If I had to choose one person to be stuck on a desert island with, I'd pick that cute little pig from the movie Babe; after the novelty of his talking wore off I would roast him over a fire and baste him in coconut milk.And,if all that is not enough proof of just how much pork and more specifically Bacon rules, we humans have even renamed sex, the greatest physical act known to man, "Porking". Boo-yah! So, Pig, my dearest most delicious friend, I salute you with the boner I get every time I bite into one of your 332 succulent body parts, POW!!!!

I'll leave you with this small warning: no matter how much you love Bacon, the State of California will NOT allow you to enter into marital bliss with Bacon and your wife may not be very supportive of the union either. But it's cool, we'll see what Canada has to say on the matter.

Deuces



My Canadian Honeymoon bitches!